Glimmer

Today I had a glimmer of hope... that my groove might be coming back... my creative groove.

After being an asshole among friends this morning at breakfast I went home and went back to bed. I thought I would save the world from yet another asshole. After three hours I woke up with these words in my head: What lies beneath the surface. What lies beneath the surface... mmm I pondered this. I don't know what it means but I pondered it...

I headed down to my art studio. A couple of weeks ago I started stretching large woven plastic bags I found in the trash... (Yes I look in trash cans for interesting materials) ...on frames - also recycled and decided to finish the rest today. I have 7. Along with the canvases I have 6 wooden doors - again recycled. So now I have enough surface to paint on that will fill the gallery for my June exhibit... now I have to paint them... mmmm

While sorting the woven plastic bags I started to fold & pleat the fabric. I ended up wrapping it around my dress form and made a dress with a bustle, over-skirt & hat. During the dress assembling I thought "What the hell am I doing? I was stretching canvas now I'm folding & wrapping and digging for more plastic...?!" Ah but then I said " Don't sweat it. Go with it. Let it grow."

So a glimmer I had today. And I feel less creatively constipated. and still I ponder "...what lies beneath the surface..."

Beatness of it All

Wednesday. Hump Day. I am dealing with lack of motivation, laziness and shades of blueness. Where did my inspiration go? Even as I write this I am having pauses of thought. What to say...

Since I moved into my little house I decided not to get cable. So no television for me. Trying to let go of another addiction.

Instead I have been going to our local libraries: The Avenue, EP Foster & Oxnard. There I have found the audio/visual section. There is a plethora of DVDs, Books on CD & Music to borrow. So among the stacks at the library I have been searching for inspiration. It's worked before.

After watching Amadeus 3 times I checked out Cd's of Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel & Vivaldi. A little comparison listening. Very nice. I woke up to Mozart on my clock/radio/cd thingie for a week.

During my commute to and from Santa Barbara I have been listening to books on CD. My current book is "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac, a book I read 20 years ago and was deeply inspired. When I saw it on the shelf at EP Foster I thought it would spark something.

It is narrated my Matt Dillon who has the perfect gravely voice for Saul Paradise. And his voice for Dean Moriarty is spot on. I am impressed with the lyrical descriptions of our country and it's people. And even though it was written in the late forties, these characters are timeless.

The first 3 discs got me all revved up to hit the road. I felt a little spark of hope. I love the road like Kerouac loved it. Minus the booze and drugs. That was what hit me in the following discs: these guys were drug feinds. Dean Moriarty was a whirling dervish in his Benzedrine dreams of jazz.

The other thing that hit me was the women in the book. Their main role was sex toy and caretaker. Barely a sidekick or participant. I wonder what their stories might be. I hope it was more than abandonment and heartbreak. 20 years ago when I read the book I identified more with the 2 male characters. I was driven by the visuals and description of the jazz and the beatness of it all. Now... I guess I still relate with Saul Paradise as a person and his observations but I also see that as a woman I would probably have been one of the girlfriends on the fringe left in a truck stop somewhere on the road.

I also wonder how their road trip would have been had they been sober. Not boring & serious - but not under the influence of booze and drugs. I wonder.

So I am On the Road again, my path, my journey. Looking for inspiration wherever I can find it.

January

Here it is February first - I just realized I didn't write anything in January. The idea crossed my mind several times but I never got around to it. I like to feel like writing, have an idea or at least feel inspired and definitely be positive with the message.

As it is for me from year to year, January is a challenging month for many reasons. Mostly it is the aftermath of the holiday season that levels all aspects of life. The holidays are physically exhausting, can be emotionally exhausting, it can stretch most folks financially if you are not careful & spiritually for some it can be challenging. To top it off: the days are short and it is dark early... and that just wraps it up & ties it in a bow.

Coming into January there are many unknowns... what will the new year bring? where will the work come from? Money to the arts is slowing down. It's the new year with new budgets. We are moving into a new landscape. We all live with unknowns and if we are not diligent it can drive us to fear and worry.

In December I landed a good project to start in January. I was very motivated and optimistic going in to the New Year. After the first week of January I lost that groovy gig. It wasn't so groovy. It was a blessing on all levels except financially.

So as I lost this big project that was to carry me through to March with a big fat cushion I had to change my perspective on this loss. It wasn't easy. There are no guarantees. Things change. Shit happens. This is nothing new.

February brings a new smaller project and I have no idea how it will all come together but I refuse to worry. It just doesn't help me in any way. Also I realized that whether I worried or not everything worked out. So why waste my energy.

Today I am choosing to look at the unknown as a surprise, like a big surprise present. I have no idea how the Universe is conspiring for me. I have no idea where the next job will come from. It is one big cosmic surprise! So why not get excited about the coming surprise... "Oh I can't wait to open that big pretty present from the Universe!" "Oh what could it be!!"

That attitude brings back the joy to my anticipation. It brings back hope to my being. It brings me back to my path of faith in the abundance of our Universe.