January

Here it is February first - I just realized I didn't write anything in January. The idea crossed my mind several times but I never got around to it. I like to feel like writing, have an idea or at least feel inspired and definitely be positive with the message.

As it is for me from year to year, January is a challenging month for many reasons. Mostly it is the aftermath of the holiday season that levels all aspects of life. The holidays are physically exhausting, can be emotionally exhausting, it can stretch most folks financially if you are not careful & spiritually for some it can be challenging. To top it off: the days are short and it is dark early... and that just wraps it up & ties it in a bow.

Coming into January there are many unknowns... what will the new year bring? where will the work come from? Money to the arts is slowing down. It's the new year with new budgets. We are moving into a new landscape. We all live with unknowns and if we are not diligent it can drive us to fear and worry.

In December I landed a good project to start in January. I was very motivated and optimistic going in to the New Year. After the first week of January I lost that groovy gig. It wasn't so groovy. It was a blessing on all levels except financially.

So as I lost this big project that was to carry me through to March with a big fat cushion I had to change my perspective on this loss. It wasn't easy. There are no guarantees. Things change. Shit happens. This is nothing new.

February brings a new smaller project and I have no idea how it will all come together but I refuse to worry. It just doesn't help me in any way. Also I realized that whether I worried or not everything worked out. So why waste my energy.

Today I am choosing to look at the unknown as a surprise, like a big surprise present. I have no idea how the Universe is conspiring for me. I have no idea where the next job will come from. It is one big cosmic surprise! So why not get excited about the coming surprise... "Oh I can't wait to open that big pretty present from the Universe!" "Oh what could it be!!"

That attitude brings back the joy to my anticipation. It brings back hope to my being. It brings me back to my path of faith in the abundance of our Universe.

Ratatouille without the rat

Ratatouille is peasant stew from France but it could be Italian too... except for the name. It is one of my favorite dishes because it is so easy and oh so tasty. My mother use to make it when I was a teenager but I make it differently.

She would layer the ingredients in a glass casserole dish (she came from the generation of casseroles... get your can of Campbell's soup & can opener). She didn't use Campbell's for this one though... she would saute the eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, onion in olive oil and then layer everything in the dish and bake it. I remember really liking it. It was very different for her.

After looking at a couple of recipes on-line, I started making my own version of ratatouille last winter. I make it in a big stock pot. The onion and garlic get sauteed in olive oil first then the vegetable stock and tomatoes get added. By that point the salted eggplant has sweated and the veggies have been cubed: eggplant, zucchini, green, red & yellow peppers all into the pot! Salt, pepper, oregano, basil & bay. Simmer for an hour or two and then let it sit overnight before serving then the flavors can really meld & blend.

I made some peasant stew yesterday for a party tonight. It has been pretty cold in our little California beach town and I thought a pot of warm tasty stew would be a nice treat. It also seemed like the perfect dish for a housewarming party.

This housewarming party was really quite lovely. So many people came to warm this new home for my friend Vonder. Everyone brought food and the table was overflowing. There was a gigantic Christmas tree standing in the corner of the studio apartment all sparkling with lights and ornaments.

There were groups of people standing, sitting, talking, laughing. At one moment I was really happy to realize I was part of this group of warm happy people during this time of year. I was surrounded by friends and it was heartfelt.

When I went to gather my items to leave I found that the ratatouille was nearly gone. It is always a happy sight when you find that everyone has enjoyed the food you prepared. It is for me anyway.

So that is the state of the world for me tonight. I am still radiating gratitude as we fast approach the New Year.

Collective Sigh of Relief

Christmas is done. The shopping is done. The massive cooking is done. Running to endless activities is done. The weekend is winding down and tomorrow is the last Monday of 2009. I hear a collective sigh of relief.

I am trying to stay in the beauty of the outward breath. Trying not to jump into "what's next?!". I am only doing Sunday night and I think that I will go take a long hot bath. Then curl up with a book and my cat and enjoy my warm comforter on this cold winters night.

Things are alright

Here I sit in my wicker chair & ottoman pulled up to the wall heater with my cat Noodle close by. My little 18" plastic Christmas tree is sparkling at me from across the room. And as usual when I sit down to write I am trying to figure out what exactly I want to say to the world.

I don't know why but this time of year is hard for a lot of people. Winter time, Christmas time, the New Year... why do we make it so hard? Expectations of what we think everything should be? Oh the good ol' days when we were kids. Oh the bad ol'days when we were kids. I don't have enough of this or that... I should have done this or that...

It's a lot of looking at what we don't have and not enough of looking at what we have right here right now. Where are we at this moment. Who is in our life right now that makes our hearts sing.

My current work situation could throw me into a hurricane of worry & frustration but I have been diligent especially the last week about staying in faith. The really good news is that I have work set up in January & February but right now-right now I am in between jobs. Being self employed means that I am constantly chasing the next job.

The next job always comes and my bills always get paid and I don't go hungry. That's not to say that my bank account doesn't get overdrawn and that I don't drive on empty and sometimes I eat once a day. But I am always taken care of...

I have a lot to be grateful for right now. In October I was given a huge gift: a place of my own. It's a perfect little house and I love it. I have my health. I have a car... with gas. I can read & write. I live in a society where women such as myself can live independently. I can vote. I have freedom of speech. I have food. I have family & friends that love me. I live in a cozy little beach town where there really isn't a lot of traffic. Things in my life are on the up and up.

So as I chase the next job, I am looking at what I do have and not what I don't have. And I guess I want to say to the world that things are alright.

One Month Later

One month later... I am sitting er working in a clothing shop on Main Street Ventura California on a warm November day. The sun is out and its a beautiful autumn SoCal day. We had 2 customers come through so far... lookie-loos. Touched everything in the shop. Bought nothing.


So as I sit here with time on my hands I ponder this last month and type in the rhythm of the Latin tunes on the ipod. (If my high school typing teacher had played Latin music in class I would have been a primo typist... but I digress)


So I sit and ponder this last month of November. It is not anything I expected. What did I expect... the same ol' thang. But when is it ever the same ol' thing...


As of November 1 I had already spent 6 days in my new home. I found the perfect little Hobbit House on October 20 & moved October 24-25. That happened so fast my head was spinning. Meanwhile I was coordinating costumes on two large cast shows- one to open mid-November and the other mid-December.


Then one day I was checking Face Book to see what everyone was doing and I saw a posting from a cousin... her dad (my first cousin) had just been admitted to the James Cancer Hospital in Columbus Ohio. Last I heard in June her dad was recovering from surgery that had to do with cancer. Major surgery but he made it through.


10 days later I was flying to Columbus to say good-bye to my dear cousin. The crazy thing is that I had not seen him in 12 years. How could he be so dear. But he was that dear. My sister who lives on the east coast was able to make the 7 hour drive to Ohio. She called me after seeing him a week after the FB note and said "If you want to say good-bye you better get here fast."


You know how we always say to our dear friends & family "When life gets really bad I'll be there for you." Well this was that time. This is the time when you have to be a braveheart and face the reality of mortality. It's one thing to bury your grandparents and parents- which I have done. But this is different. Now it's a contemporary relation. It's my cousin that I grew up with and shared a lot of great memories with.


Could I not go see him one last time? What am I suppose to say to someone who is dieing? Could I look him in the eye while he laid in a hospital bed hooked up to numerous machines? Could I hold his hand & make him chuckle one last time? Could I afford it? Did I have time? He's so far away.


This was the time when nothing else matters- you drop everything and go. Because really what is this whole crazy Life about? Honestly it baffles me most of the time but I believe that the bottom line is not money, success, or material objects. It's not how many college degrees you have or what kind of car you drive. I believe it is all about love and our relationship to each other. How do we care for each other? Do we forgive each other? Do we communicate our true feelings to the ones that matter?


My flight left Tuesday morning out of LAX and I connected to another flight in St. Louis to Milwaukee and finally Columbus. I'm not even sure how long it took me to get there but it was a long ass day.


I spent Wednesday & Thursday with my dear cuz. Mostly I sat in the room with him. I didn't have to say much just be there. I was able to look him in the eye and tell him I loved him and I was glad that I came to visit him.

The following week he died, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I was home baking pies with a friend. We were watching movies while we whirled around my small kitchen. My cell phone beeped and it was a text. It was from another cousin, my sick cousin's sister and it said he was gone.

While I was sad to see him go, I was mostly relieved. He was a happy, funny, animated guy and to see him incapacitated was not right.

I cried when I had to tell one of my aunts but other than that I cried mostly before I went to Columbus. I cried after I said good-bye to him in the hospital. And I am misty right now as I write because I miss him.

After going through many deaths of close relations I have learned that the tears come when they come and I let them come when ever they show up. Sometimes its hard because I am working or I am in line at the grocery store and people get uncomfortable. At some point I figured out that it didn't matter that I had to cry when I needed to.

As I move forward I am re-newed with a sense of the NOW. Trying to keep fresh the idea of what is important. When I received the text regarding my cousin's passing I was watching Moulin Rouge. And the big statement that the bohemians were striving for in "Spectacular Spectacular" was that it is more important to love than to be loved. And I want to keep that in mind for this beautiful Sunday.

Seven Year Itch Revisited

This last weekend I participated in the second annual Wearable Art Fashion Show at the Museum of Ventura County. It took a while to come up with a concept for my design. After flipping through the September Vogue with all of the Fall fashions, I was inspired by Vera Wang's 50 style polka dot dresses. I took it a step further and made a tribute to Marilyn Monroe's Seven Year Itch dress in white plastic grocery bags from Vons. The bodice & skirt are lined with a red plastic table cloth. Instead of stitching the dress together I used packing tape.

The museum coordinator connected me with a young woman from Los Angeles. Her name is Dizzy and I could not have asked for anyone better. She was wonderful on the runway and truely brought my dress to life.

damn every thing but the circus

Today, being Thursday I am trying to stay in the moment. It is a challenge when I have many projects. I am a multi-tasker. It's one of my giftings. But some days it feels like one of my burdens. There have been moments lately when it feels like I'm juggling bowling balls.

The truth of the matter is that Life is good. It seems like a three ring circus but it's good none the less. I have plenty of work right now. And the projects are good projects. They are creative, I am able to work independently and I am making a living as an artist. I am living my dream.

When did the projects change from juggling nerf balls to juggling bowling balls? I believe it's my perspective... am I focused on the positive or the negative? am I in the moment? am I present... right here right now? Or am I looking ahead at all my deadlines wondering how I going to do it all??!!!

So I have to stop myself (often) and do the next indicated action and pay attention right here right now. Eating something doesn't hurt either.

I try to show up and do the best I can each day. Some days my best is better than others. And that's okay for me.